Cursed with a Big Heart.

 Something unusual happened today. I don’t know if this is even appropriate. It must be wrong cos it doesn’t make me feel right…
Ok, now let me start from the beginning; Happy New Year Everyone!! I realized I haven’t even written here since the beginning of the year. But what’s life without a little bit of big and small drama..?
I am in my 31st year of age. How do I feel? Exhilarated! There’s something about your 30’s that just keeps you wondering no more about whom you are. You are just happy with whomever is happy with you and the others… ah well; not so bothered…
OK back to what pushed me to type as fast as I can in less than 20mins when I had planned to write a proper New Year’s message on growth and leaving behind things that didn’t make you happy…
Now that rings familiarity. Leaving behind things that don’t make you happy? People and situations that didn’t make you happy…
So let me fill you in with a short story… Mid last year I met someone. A someone I had been crushing about in fantasy (cos I thought I would never ever see him in my life since he was some sort of star). Yup, I met him in real life. And we can refer to him here as X. (why X? because it’s a measure of variance, variables and possibilities). X and I became good friends or what I taught was “good friendship” going somewhere…
But obviously as you can assume; he played me. Not the everyday play one hears about but the kind that you don’t see coming but arrives nevertheless. MIND FUCKERY; as a dear friend of mine would call it. And by the time you realize you have not only a black eye but your heart cries out from another one of its agonies that has led it to being blackened…
So down to today’s unusual incident; X casually strolls into my office expecting Tammy with a huge grin as he usually has it (mind you; it’s not the first time Mr. X has strolled expecting a warm hug and bow down b*** attitude which he didn’t get the first time so I am wondering why he was expecting that again) but Tammy gave a cold gaze, sooo cold that with one look, the entire Antarctica froze over…. And X saw it and shuddered.
But it’s what happened inside of Tammy that was interesting. Against all the cold gaze; her heart leapt down to her belly and churned upside down. Gosh; how big her actual heart was… After all this time; she still felt him. But it felt wrong.
Yes, wrong. It didn’t feel peaceful. But wasn’t the L word supposed to feel peaceful. And kind. And generous. No then it must not be the big L word…
Was a heart worth having when you can’t actually cage it? By cage it, I mean protect it? From harm?
No, but of what use is a heart if it’s caged? Geez, now am sounding like my favorite writer (Paulo Coelho). Maybe I ask too many questions; maybe I have too many dreams, maybe I don’t learn quickly enough, maybe just maybe there are a lot of unanswered parts of me.
All I know is indeed X would not be the first man neither the last… (I secretly wished he would be the last :-/) to awaken such feelings in me. I mean which woman needs a total jerk whom is not sure of what he wants? It will be like bouncing, bouncing and hopefully the last bounce; one would not survive…
But hey we all at some points in our lives have cursed hearts… (No pun intended!)
Until next time,
Yours Truly, Yours Ever, Yours Entirely!
Tammy!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s