A year going by…

Hi Everyone! 

By everyone, I mean my fellow bloggers, my friends and people I don’t even know!  A year sure does fly by quickly! Wheeewww!! I miss writing… I miss sharing my life’s journey with whomever would like to read and I do indeed have a lot to share!

The year that has gone by has had soo many memories that I would forever cherish. The most exciting of them all has been relocating to another country! Oh yes! I relocated to live on an island.. of all places.. I have always wanted to live on an island, my dreams of living in a little beach house in Costa Rica burnt a fire in me in my early 20’s. I remember discussing with friends or any one whom would listen..”What do you think of Costa Rica?’ and whomever I was speaking to will ask me but why Costa Rica?? Lol…. I guess deep down I knew I would live one day on an island where everyone knows everyone and there is 0 to 1 % of having an active social life and guess what? I love it here. I mean its had its ups and downs cos living on an island in East Africa is different than an island in South America! For sure! Lol.. but its been great practice and immediately I got the job; I just packed my bags and left my Ghana… Of course I miss home… but not when there was constant power outages, 0% purchasing power and all that comes with economical changes…

Zanzibar has been home for the past 9 months; its been tough especially in the beginning; as I had never fully lived on my own with no one to call me to check when am I arriving home? What will you eat? Do you feel sick? etc.. (Musings of my sweet Mama) but I made it through and now I have friends from all over the world, some haters already probably a few people I dislike as well lol.. Whats life without a little drama?? I have fallen in love with nature, the beautiful beaches and most of all.. the beautiful people of Zanzibar. My ego has already had its share of misfortune with lessons I am yet to learn but the greatest of them all is I am connecting with so many cultures in this beautiful place because this small place has soo many people from different parts of the world! Some I don’t agree with  (obviously! lol..) and some which have just piqued my curiosity… 

All in all; whom knows where my adventure will take me from here?? So far I have followed my career, my mind and maybe the next time I will follow my heart! (Now that is still pretty blur for now! lol..) 

Until the next time!

Yours Truly. Yours Ever. Yours Entirely!

Tammy!IMG_20160716_001714

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Cursed with a Big Heart.

 Something unusual happened today. I don’t know if this is even appropriate. It must be wrong cos it doesn’t make me feel right…
Ok, now let me start from the beginning; Happy New Year Everyone!! I realized I haven’t even written here since the beginning of the year. But what’s life without a little bit of big and small drama..?
I am in my 31st year of age. How do I feel? Exhilarated! There’s something about your 30’s that just keeps you wondering no more about whom you are. You are just happy with whomever is happy with you and the others… ah well; not so bothered…
OK back to what pushed me to type as fast as I can in less than 20mins when I had planned to write a proper New Year’s message on growth and leaving behind things that didn’t make you happy…
Now that rings familiarity. Leaving behind things that don’t make you happy? People and situations that didn’t make you happy…
So let me fill you in with a short story… Mid last year I met someone. A someone I had been crushing about in fantasy (cos I thought I would never ever see him in my life since he was some sort of star). Yup, I met him in real life. And we can refer to him here as X. (why X? because it’s a measure of variance, variables and possibilities). X and I became good friends or what I taught was “good friendship” going somewhere…
But obviously as you can assume; he played me. Not the everyday play one hears about but the kind that you don’t see coming but arrives nevertheless. MIND FUCKERY; as a dear friend of mine would call it. And by the time you realize you have not only a black eye but your heart cries out from another one of its agonies that has led it to being blackened…
So down to today’s unusual incident; X casually strolls into my office expecting Tammy with a huge grin as he usually has it (mind you; it’s not the first time Mr. X has strolled expecting a warm hug and bow down b*** attitude which he didn’t get the first time so I am wondering why he was expecting that again) but Tammy gave a cold gaze, sooo cold that with one look, the entire Antarctica froze over…. And X saw it and shuddered.
But it’s what happened inside of Tammy that was interesting. Against all the cold gaze; her heart leapt down to her belly and churned upside down. Gosh; how big her actual heart was… After all this time; she still felt him. But it felt wrong.
Yes, wrong. It didn’t feel peaceful. But wasn’t the L word supposed to feel peaceful. And kind. And generous. No then it must not be the big L word…
Was a heart worth having when you can’t actually cage it? By cage it, I mean protect it? From harm?
No, but of what use is a heart if it’s caged? Geez, now am sounding like my favorite writer (Paulo Coelho). Maybe I ask too many questions; maybe I have too many dreams, maybe I don’t learn quickly enough, maybe just maybe there are a lot of unanswered parts of me.
All I know is indeed X would not be the first man neither the last… (I secretly wished he would be the last :-/) to awaken such feelings in me. I mean which woman needs a total jerk whom is not sure of what he wants? It will be like bouncing, bouncing and hopefully the last bounce; one would not survive…
But hey we all at some points in our lives have cursed hearts… (No pun intended!)
Until next time,
Yours Truly, Yours Ever, Yours Entirely!
Tammy!

30 things I have learnt by age 30

So here I am, gonna hit the mark of 30 in a couple of days.

The feeling? Anxiousness, Excitement and most of all Gratefulness. What more do I have to be yearn for? Some people could not make it here; others have made it but do not see fulfillment. I? I am just content with what I have; little as it may be, I am still thankful. Now I have a lot of wishes but I choose not to wish for anything and watch 30 well, be me. 🙂 .

But I made a list of 30 things I have learnt over the years and It is a daily reminder embedded in my memory. So if you are turning 30 soon; let me fill you in with my learning.

And oh: Happy Birthday to me! 🙂

1. Your parents aren’t to blame for what or who you become. Never refer to them for your misery or otherwise
2. Read wide. The first two minutes of admiration is established by your looks; the rest then depends on your brains
3. Life certainly does go on; whether you are happy, sad or in between
4. You have the power to change your mind on what you want to do 1000 times. Unless you live in a 3rd world country; then you have to think of survival…
5. Life is not a fairytale; if you lose your high heels at midnight; you are drunk
6. Taking care of the skin is essential; invest in it. Breathe fresh air, drink lots of clean water 
7. When you become a few thousand richer; change people’s lives
8. Talk to the elderly; you will be amazed at the kind of wisdom you could gather
9. Dislike your boss but do it secretly; he is the key to unlock your next jump in your career 
10. People can be cruel, heartless and selfish but you don’t have to reciprocate
11. Respect your father; be obedient to your mother: no matter how many times you want to “scream” at them
12. God is indeed alive; how then would you explain your life with all its occurrences?
13. God gives us all the time to figure Him out, take that time and draw closer to Him; don’t act as if you know whom He is better than others when in reality; you have no idea
14. Do NOT sleep another day on your anger… it has a way of eating you up
15. Don’t be ashamed to live with a secret (ie a disease, a scar, an unforgettable past) be brave and share your story; you know not who may be healed in the process
16. Smile; even through your tears… somehow it makes you feel better 
17. Your crush knows of your existence; even if you try so hard to hide yourself; feelings of infatuation has a way of showing 
18. Be humble. No matter where you are in life. Humility opens doors.
19. You only marry to share and contribute your life to someone; you don’t marry to put yourself first
20. Forgive him or her or the group of people whom caused you pain; holding on only makes you grow shorter in the soul
21. You should know where to go to when your soul needs soothing; be it your room, your favorite park or your best friend’s kitchen counter
22. Your best friend only surfaces when you are going through life’s uncertainties
23. Cry your heart out; it’s a sign of strength not of defeat
24. Dream for a living. Your dreams do not have an expiration date; take a breath and try again
25. Never lower your standards; but never set them too high for anyone to reach as well
26. Still believe in Love; no matter how blur it looks 
27. Look good. It really helps in feeling good
28. Invest in your health. Trust me; it pays off
29. Travel; see the world. Life isn’t meant to be lived at one place
30. Be grateful. Everyday. For the gift of Life.

As love looks

As she closes her eyes

She wonders if he hears her mind

The soft glow of the moonlight

Is the only star she wishes on tonight

 

Will he ever hear her daunting voice

Will he ever notice her frailly falls?

Does he have any fair idea

That a woman somewhere loves his all in all?

 

The motions of an unexpected fall

If once could lead her to an expected all

Is what her will is all about

As she holds close her imaginary crystal ball

 

The search and crush for love

Can only become a lifetime movement

When one turns in a heart for “a smile”, “a notice me” or “a look”

Then she realizes the inevitable has moved

 

 

A poem dedicated to her Father whom watches her from above, the yet to find man of her dreams and her unsuspecting crush…

Thank you for making me feel.

Tammy

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Public breakups

This morning, as I was driving to work; I slid in my favorite playlists and started sorting through the selections of tracks (an annoying habit I normally find myself doing even though the playlist has only my favorite music on it).

And it stopped at Wrecking Ball; yup, Miley Cyrus’s wrecking ball…

With the sound of her voice, a scene from the track’s video appeared in my mind; and not the quirky one which you find her sitting on a big wrecking ball but her face, her painted red lips, her eyes and her pale skin. Immediately, the memories of her very public break up with Liam Hemsworth came into mind. I began wondering what she must have gone through when Liam broke off their engagement… the tone of her voice behind the song; just made me wonder… her sudden switch from American kids most loved star to Parental Guidance/Advisory star…

But celebrity status or not; she is still human, she is still a woman and the enormity of a break up can simply crush the whole of you, like a wrecking ball.

Even us; many of whom are not celebrities; public break ups is an ugly thing to go through. I remember mine; a very public one after a very publicly discussed engagement… it was horrendous, it was like a nightmare with no end in sight… And to imagine the fact that I never discussed this brief engagement with anyone but my family…

I was young and probably a bit engulfed in society’s ideal way to live. I asked him to make it formal, so I could see him without shame whenever I wanted to; that was all I asked for and I think that was all what was seen by both parties. Never did I think though that the African traditional family like mine; would require a more complicated procedure than just a word of promise from both parties that indeed in the future we could plan towards a companionship of eternity…

And then the break up happened and for months, I hadn’t spoken about any of the events that lead to that very moment… I was just trying to formulate the sentences and probably understand what had happened but society didn’t allow me to explain or even finish…..They whispered to one another whenever I drove past. Starred wistfully. Asked my parents. Asked my family.

In those moments; I wished I was sitting on a wrecking ball, one like Miley’s. I wished I had a voice to explain in my song what had happened.  I just wished people wouldn’t have been so cruel and would have just tried to listen to me…

Public breakups are ugly. The stares one receives makes one wonder if one is of a different species other than human… Things don’t work out and maybe it’s actually for the better (most at times it is). What I learnt from that period is something I have come to appreciate every day of my life.

God is indeed preparing the road for a better fellowship of companionship with your personal person. Learn to speak with him during these times and trust me; one’s soul will find soothing.

 

 

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By 30

Going through my personal stuff today; I noticed an article I kept from the internet: its titled; “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30.” This list was said to be written by one Pamela Redmond Satran. Apparently this article became soo famous that it circulated via email fast and was attributed to influencers like Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton.

Why I kept this article? No idea. But I do remember I was in my mid 20’s when I discovered it accidentally by my habit of curious readings and decided this could be a useful check list when I get there. And now as I sit here; clock ticking, hopelessly running out of many of life’s options to everything society expects me to be at 30.. This list puts a smile to my face. 

I can proudly say I have most of it nailed! And I know the ugly truth you are supposed to know by that age. I am a woman now; (well, in lets say 7 short months) and I must say its not been a smooth road but I have learnt to love and accept myself for whom I have become.Image

Ladies; maybe we can all take a cue? Enjoy.

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30

 

A soul that never loses FAITH

It’s been awhile I wrote here. Sometimes we let the pressures of the world, of our lives take us away from our abundant graces and everlasting mercies of the Supreme Being.

I am a very open minded person. I do not pass judgment on whatever people believe in. We all have varying opinions on what, where or how we explain our existence. Growing up as a child; I would be the first person to be at the entrance of the church when its doors opened. I started out in the Catholic Church; I was astounded by all its statues and sculptures of Mary, the baby Jesus and the adult Jesus. I used to stay behind after Mass and watch in awe and ask my grandpa: how these arts came to be and if they ever came to life. I was literally pulled out of the church every Sunday after service. My curiosity heightened as I grew; I came back home and I followed my mother to the Methodist Church.

As any Christian woman; my mother raised us to believe that dedication to God was the best decision any believer could make. You never ate your meals until you bathe, smelled nice and prayed to God. You never made it out of the house to school until you held hands with your sisters and asked for the guidance of God throughout the day. She taught us that God doesn’t like ugly. He cannot be deceived. He will not be mocked…

As a teenager; lying awake at nights; I used to wonder why our parents didn’t give us reasons behind the various religions? I used to ask my mother: “Mother, there are people on this earth who do not believe in our God, whom have different opinions about whom God is, what about them? Are they not mocking God?” And her response will be: “Hush your mouth! Who told you that? You have been reading those sinful novels of yours again! I see you every night with your torch hiding under your bed sheets and reading! You only need to believe in what this family believes in!” And that will be mother’s answer.

And that is the scene in most societies. We raise our children to see only one side of the story. Forgetting that they have only one childhood; they will grow as I did. Maturing into adulthood; I slipped sometimes. My faith wavered. I picked up habits as I hit the runway. The only reason I chose that industry was because I wanted my freedom. Mother was against it; but whatever made her angry was an option I wanted to pursue; cos I then knew she was hiding something as she always did. In actual fact; she was protecting her children as I grew to understand.

But then yet again; why do we not show them the full picture? The world is an adventure. We should show them the way but we should trust they would choose the right path.

I have rebelled.

I have hit the pavement.

I have hit rock bottom and given in to some very dark pleasures and desires.

All this whiles I was a Christ follower.  

But it’s in our weakness, that we may find strength. It’s in our trials, that we may find the peaceful whisper of our Father in our ears; asking us to rise up whilst he holds our hands.

No matter what: the ripple effect of growing up in such an environment should be:  A soul that never loses faith in no matter what Supreme Being it believes in.

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Affectionate displays

I am pretty sure we have all in one way or the other been in love or still in love. The subject of love usually sparks different views and portrays individual beliefs.

What keeps pondering in the mind though: Is how exactly people display their affection or love towards the person of their interests.

Something strange happened this weekend: An individual displayed a picture of the person she is in love with publicly via a social media. One question that was asked by a female friend of hers was: “Does the person do the same for you?”

This question amazed her and she then in turn asked for my opinion. A lot of things seem to baffle me about the way our mind operates as humans. Can we not display affection without receiving any in return? Can we not be hopelessly in love with a person and NOT suffer for his love in return?

She is in love and not afraid to show it or display it. And it doesn’t mean she is expecting him to return this feeling. Is she suffering? No. Not at all. In fact, she is happy and beyond joyful to be in love with this man. He is everything she dreamed of. I know it’s easier if the person could actually return her affections but if he just doesn’t know (or just isn’t ready); what has she got to lose?

We often hear in movies or read in books about how unhealthy unrequited love is and can actually probably end you. But why can’t we look at both sides of the coin? Aside its negative effects; I think it actually has some positive effects.  You could build a lifelong friendship with this person and if you don’t have him/her to yourself; at least you still have them in your life. Don’t let unrequited love be a pity party for self. You meet someone that amazing only once in your life. Why let it be a sad experience?

As always: as a Christian woman I would use Jesus Christ as an example. This man didn’t know us but yet he loved us. He loved without any boundaries. He sat down with us and taught us the ways of the Lord. He wanted us to feel safe. I know a lot of people would think: but it’s not comparable. That love is great and supernatural and I would in turn ask them: But why not? Love doesn’t always have to be the young and passionate love that swallows your body and soul. In fact, unrequited love is mostly the opposite.

The last words I said to her were: Love without any boundaries. It’s the only way to live fully. Take the risks probably and tell him. Be not afraid to show the world as well. You prayed for someone like him and he manifested in body and soul. If things do not feel the same for him, what have you lost?  Let not society draw a framework of how love is supposed to go for you. Love the only way you know how. Your best way.

And I am taking that advice as well.

Happy Monday, people. Display your affections anyway and anyhow you want to.